there is always the lingering thought in the back of my mind, the easy way out.
a belt and a door, a walk to the shore. it will always call for me even when i try to run.
i hate being the villain in everybody's story, i'm tired of apologizing. i hate pretending.
i am tired of speaking when everything i say is twisted into something to be critiqued.
all my life i've spent trying to force myself into a mold that was never made for me,
to change under the guise of it being "for the better." at this point i don't think i know
what is good for me at all anymore. i let myself be picked apart, critiqued, modeled into
somebody i do not recogmize in the mirror, "for the better." is this for me? or is it for them?
being left alone at night, with nobody around other than the swirling vortexes in my head ..
it only deepens the pit in my chest, the untamable black hole in which nothing, nobody can calm.
i feel it eating away at me, quickening my heart rate-- wrapping around my mind like the gnarled
and wild roots of a tree. my anxieties only serve to worsen this; and it never ends. the suffocating
pressure i feel, pulling me apart at the seams but piecing me back together all at once like an implosion.
how could i ever possibly live like this? surrounded by my faults, my errors, and the people around me serving
as constant reminders. my loneliness, even moreso-- because despite them, i still am deeply out of place here,
wherever i am or in whatever timeline this may be. it's eating me alive, this vacant and painful feeling.
at night it only intensifies, and i find no comfort in my passions anymore. how can i ever heal from something
so utterly agonizing, leaving me near-incapacitated? how could i ever live like this, and how could i ever have
let it get so bad? this is a sickness with no cure, and i feel myself rotting from the inside out.
it feels as though no matter how hard i attempt to "fix" myself, i can never be .. normal.
every time i try, it simply doesn't feel right. to go down the "right" path, to be .. human, i suppose.
none of this feels right, as though my form isn't supposed to be here. it's as if my entire existance is an error.
a glitch, coded in this timeline. i feel like i'm going crazy, because every step i take, and every move
i make feels like swimming against a current.
i've never quite properly understood how to act "human." because even when i try, i am entirely out of place.
i've come to terms with this, been accepting of this for quite a long time now .. since my early childhood.
i hate it, this displacement i feel here, everywhere i go. the hyper-awareness i hold, knowing i do not
belong here. it grows evermore-- everpresent, it metastasizes, and takes over every part of me.
every waking moment, each time i am conscious.. and even when i am unconscious, i am awake.
not being able to properly display this pains me, not being able to have anybody here to understand me even moreso.
this burning feeling is unbearable, and i would do anything to make it stop.
sometimes, i wonder why i even bother writing; why i bother doing anything at all, really.
because when i really think about it, nothing i do is particularly significant at all. all i do will
be lost with time, and i will be nothing but a blip in the infinite existences of this humanity.
and even then, documenting this does nothing when i know that realistically, i am always going to be
the bad guy in everybody's story. perhaps i'm doing this for myself, to prove that i was once real, too.
the desire to be remembered fights with my desire to be forgotten entirely on a near-daily basis,
it consumes my thoughts wholly some days. admittedly, i want to be something to someone.
i want to mean something.
but yet, i want to be erased entirely. i want all of me, thoughts and conversations and encounters .. to be forgotten,
a fleeting memory in the minds of those that once crossed paths with me. at the end of it all, though ..
despite my wants, i know all of me will eventually be forgotten. and for that, i am thankful.
despite how hard people try, they will seemingly never understand me. this existence,
i am convinced, is an everlasting hellish torture. everything burns, constantly-- and everything
i feel is overwhelming, and makes it feel as though i'm bursting at the seams. bursting, overflowing,
with sadness, rage, apathy, pain. i've been made externally human, physically with all the right parts,
but internally it's like there's nothing human about me at all. i feel it clawing at my skin.
everybody creates their own version of me in their head, both idealized and demonized. they
always make me out to be something i'm not, and nobody ever realizes who i really am.
to them, i'm their puppet, their false bag of ideas they can throw all their shit at
because i'm freakish and bizarre. people are afraid of what they don't know, and sometimes
that fear translates into rage. perhaps that's why all of them hate me.
regardless, i know that nobody will have the knowledge i do of myself, and see things as i do
about everyone and everything around me. this is what makes my humanity so cruel, cold and lonely ..
the lack of companionship, friendships, familial bonding in which i was never able to have. almost as if
i am looking through the glass windows of a warm home, while the outside is stormish and unforgiving,
the sharp winds and rain an unforgiving reminder as to how desolate this "life" is.
life is simply just a bullshit bragging competition. it’s always who can overshadow who,
who is better than who at what. a constant attention-seeking, validation-based society in
which i want no part in. inadequacy is a constant in my life, and all i’ve ever known is
overwhelming criticism and judgement with every step i take, every word that comes out of my mouth.
everything is taken the wrong way, and if it is taken the right way, i am judged regardless.
i am standing in the shadow of everybody around me, meek and small to everything
because i am simply not good enough to be known for anything in particular.
the golden stars of friend groups and classes and family all isolate me, neglect me, shun me.
i feel an ever-constant present shame that wracks my entire body with anger and embarrassment with no remorse.
every day, every hour, every minute and second— filled with the most minuscule of errors
that i want to punish myself for, hurt myself for.
i am terribly unremarkable, and perhaps nobody would miss me at all if i were to fade.
i have no legacy to leave behind,
no wholesome or funny stories, nothing memorable with people .. none.
simply .. the girl that was never particularly good enough for anything at all.
every single time i think i might be starting to pull myself out of this dreaded place, i fall
right back down, and perhaps sink even deeper than before. i am constantly reminded of my inadequacies
and failures by those around me, either knowingly or not-- and the fact that i am surrounded continually
by those that overshadow me in their success, being praised and loved and showered with adoration ..
it makes me want to shrink into myself, to hide away and disappear completely, because who would notice if i
disappeared anyway? my entire life, this vessel has lived eternally under the scrutiny of others.
everything i do is swept under the rug, to be replaced with the achievments of someone better,
someone more deserving. my existence is living under a staircase, dusty and forgotten, a shell of the former self.
we live in a post-authenticity world. nothing is ever original anymore,
everything and everyone feels pointless-- falling victim to materialistic, greedy, gluttons and
horrendously factory-produced bullshit. there is no genuinity, and everyone tries desperately
to emulate past people, to copy because they have no sense of self. truly,
i am sick of it. i know i belong somewhere else other than here,
another time; an older time.
my soul is mismatched with reality.
the weight of the world is getting hard to shoulder, and i feel it spilling over.
despite not crying for ages; never crying, not even alone.. suddenly i feel the urge to cry, constantly.
it is never, i noticed, caused by other people.. rather, it is of my own volition. it is myself
that makes me cry, thinking of all the things wrong with me. this human form is truly insufferable,
everything yet nothing affcecting me all at once. my displacement in this existence only
becomes more palpable, transparent .. i find difficulty in even forming the simplest coherent thought.
sometimes, i get the overwhelming feeling of grief; like i want to grieve the old me,
the "happier" me. but when i think back, i am jolted back into the sad reality-- under my
circumstances, there was no "happier" me. only times when i could shoulder things easier ..
but that is not the case now. everything has been, and still is, awfully difficult.
what is there to grieve when everything was lost before i could even remember?
before i could even process the concept of existence, i had no positive feelings
for humanity, for myself, for those around me. .
the days are worsening. each time i wake up, i find myself breaking out in cold sweats.
shaking, sweating although i'm freezing, a concerningly high heart rate.. but if i
don't sleep, that means i have to be awake in this sickening reality. despite how
much i sleep i seem to always be tired, and if i avoid sleep then i feel much, much worse.
talking to people doesn't make it better.
i surround myself with company, but i have never felt so utterly hopeless and alone..
despite how hard people try, they will never understand. i isolate myself purposefully now,
for fear of what they might do or say to me. time passes,
and i only fall deeper. where do i go now?
i am made of anxieties.
people make me anxious. i walk into a classroom and i instantly feel the weight
of a million eyes on me, watching me.. judging me.
it's suffocating. i feel as though i could implode, right then and there.
i want nothing more than to have my jacket swallow me whole,
to completely erase me from the view of everyone.
i don't want to be perceived by them. i hate being looked at by them. i hate school crowds.
every laugh, every glance in my direction, every little move.. it's all towards me. i feel it.
i want isolation. i want to run away from everyone i've ever known, to forget.
i want to let my body rot from the inside out, waste away.
at least, i know my decomposing body would do more for this world than i did.
this world never gave me a chance. i feel nothing but scorn towards humanity,
an undeniable, irrefutable rage boiling within my blood. my outreached hand has been
burned and bitten and neglected, looked down upon as second-class, seen as barely human
by those who could never scratch beneath my surface.
i am proven time and time again, the universe wants to see me fail. everyone around me
watches closely, desperate to point out the slightest fault in my actions, my words.
i know this, i see it clearly, and i feel as though i want to disappear. dissolve entirely, back down into the
earth, lower myself into the dirt so i will no longer be reminded of my inadequacies.
it blurs together until my chest burns of embarrassment and my shoulders feel heavy from the weight,
until it collapses in on me.. burying me under all the rubble.
there are no survivors underneath, i know. beneath the dust and the dirt, i know where my corpse lays.
another lost cause to the ones who couldn't understand. they will never understand.
intelligence cannot save you from being deluded.
it cannot save you from turning into the worst version of yourself possible.
i am the prime example.
i hope that when i die,
i get to meet where the sun touches the sky.
ah.. bittersweet 17. i never thought i'd live to see the day.
my father forgot my birthday, but i'm not surprised. i bet he doesn't even know my favorite color.
a lot of people forgot my birthday .. but i'm always forgotten, so it doesn't really matter anyway.
i'm not sure what to feel. i think i feel empty .. it doesn't even feel like today is real.
i'm older now, and i didn't think i'd make it so far. yet here i am, applying for colleges that i'll
be attending in the fall .. god, where did the time go.
sometimes i disturb myself with my lack of ability to feel love.
nothing affectionate i say carries any meaning anymore. i could say "i love you,"
and feel absolutely nothing. i don't think i believe in love anymore ...
lately, i've been feeling so horribly apathetic, trying to find something
that will make me feel again .. smoking, drinking .. all of it is the same.
everything is just the same shade of grey. i'm just counting down the days ..
it is so difficult to live with myself, with this battered mind.
the beating of my heart, the warmth of my blood and the coldness of my body..
it is agonizing. with each "high" i reach, i fall even farther, deeper .. and it just gets
worse with each passing day. it's overwhelming. too much for my senses to deal with. i feel every single
emotion, or i feel none at all.. there is no inbetween. i can feel it all, some days. to the point
where it aches, deep into my bones and down into my core. anger, sadness, agony..
it makes me feel hot, it grabs me by the heart and i can't do anything else other than
yell and shake and snap at everybody. and other days .. other days, i am so empty, i cannot believe
that a single emotion could ever inhabit this body. it makes me feel so cold, like there is a hole right
where my heart should be, and it's like i've never felt anything before then. i don't know what is wrong with me,
but it is so painful that i just want to hide away from everybody i've ever known.
why can't i make it stop ..
i am so drained.. i dislike the idea of existing.
i don't see a reason to get out of bed, to do the work i'm assigned,
to do .. anything at all, really. i just want to waste away .. to hide and never be found ..
the idea of repeating my days, the same mundane routine every day .. it scares me.
the idea of growing older scares me. the future terrifies me.
i wake up every single day with the heavy weight of anxiety on my chest,
my hands shake and my heart beats irregularly- and i wish it would just stop.
i want to disappear.. i want to delete everything, every trace of me, and just never come back.
drowning. the only way i can describe how i feel, is the sensation of drowning.
i can never catch a break. worrying about school, college, assignments, the general misery of life ...
i am so tired, all the time. it feels as though no matter how much sleep i get, i am always tired..
do other people feel this way, too?
it's like i'm suffocating in my own breath. my own weight is dragging me down,
my mind and thoughts are pressing against me from every side, crushing me.
i hope that my family knows, i hope they realize
the reason i sleep all the time is because it is the single
closest thing i could ever possibly get to the sensation of death,
and escaping reality. even for a moment. because living is so painful.
and i'm sorry that you see me more as a problem, rather than a person.
no matter what happens, i know my death is imminent.
i don't- no, i WON'T hold out hope for anybody.
nobody can come save me, no matter how much i wish for it . .
no matter how badly i just want to be loved.
they'll never understand- they won't ever scratch the surface.